


and i don't want the world to see me

by Embers



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash, himchan is a meanie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 01:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5608576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Embers/pseuds/Embers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daehyun comes to Seoul with a dream and his heart on his sleeve. Kim Himchan strikes a blow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i don't want the world to see me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [andnowforyaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/gifts).



> For yaya <3 Thank you for being awesome and for the lovely fic you wrote for my prompt.
> 
> Title from 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls b/c I am being unoriginal sorry ;;

Daehyun arrives at the apartment he will call home for the foreseeable future with two suitcases and stomach full of butterflies. His new manager, Kang as he had introduced himself, speaks jovially to him as they ascend on the elevator. His hands are clammy around the handle of the one piece of luggage he is carrying and he listens carefully.

“No one’s at home right now, so you’ll have a bit of time to get settled; put your things away. Then we’ll head to the company practice room and you can finally meet them all!”

Daehyun smiles softly and nods, nerves building in him. Kang helps him unpack, teasing him gently when he unpacks a couple stuffed animals but he places them with care on Daehyun’s bed nonetheless, even petting their heads. He decides he likes Kang and if everyone here is like him then maybe there’s nothing for him to be nervous about.

The ride to the practice room is quiet, the older man seeming to sense he needs time to calm himself. The radio plays a popular pop song, its predictable ups and downs allowing Daehyun’s mind to blank out and follow its melody. Before he knows it, they’ve arrived at a building and Kang parks the van. He is led up two flights of stairs and down a hallway where music is playing. It’s not something he recognizes, the heavier sounds of hip-hop beats thrumming through the corridor and vibrating under his feet. When Kang opens a door and calls out two names the music stops, and Daehyun steps in behind him, twisting his hands in the sleeves of his large shirt. Two boys stand there, sweaty but with giant smiles on as Kang ruffles their hair.

“Junhongie, Jonguppie, where is everyone else?”

“Break,” the shorter one says, his face sharp but the edges softened by youth, “They went to get us drinks. Himchan-hyung wanted coffee.”

“He just wants the camera to see him buying us things,” the other boy, tall and lanky says, before giggling softly like he’d made an especially clever joke.

Kang cuffs them both softly before holding an arm out to Daehyun and sliding it around his shoulders.

“This is Daehyun, your new vocalist,” Kang introduces, and Daehyun ducks his head and bows hastily, quickly pushing his glasses back up when they slide down his nose.

“Nice to meet you both, Junhong-ssi, Jongup-ssi. I’m Jung Daehyun, please take care of me.”

“You’re tiny!” Junhong, the tall boy says, grinning.

“O-oh…well…”

“Junhong,” Kang cuts in then, “Don’t talk to your hyung that way!”

“Hyung? Really?”

He bows his head with a pout and apologizes at Kang’s prodding, soft curls of dark hair brushing his brows. He smiles shyly when Daehyun looks at him and hides his teeth behind the bottle of water he’s holding. Daehyun likes him already, too.

The shorter one has a spacey look on his face but Daehyun gets the sense he’d be surprised if he could hear whatever thoughts are running through his head as he says hi. They go through the normal introductions, birth years and hometowns before quieting down again. The younger two sit with him, chatting about dance terms Daehyun doesn’t understand. He feels slightly less nervous now but he had yet to meet his same-aged member or the two hyungs and that was frankly a more nerve-wracking prospect.

It doesn’t take too long for it to happen, a tall boy he recognizes as the visual and host of MTV’s new show appearing. There is a camera following this member, Himchan as he remembers, and Daehyun’s eyes flit nervously between it and this new hyung’s face.

Himchan smiles at him and Daehyun feels like he imagines fans do when they see a celebrity up close. They may not have debuted yet as idols but Himchan is every bit the part, handsome face and polished expression, holding a hand out to greet him with an impeccable speaking voice.

“Daehyun-ssi, welcome. I’m Kim Himchan, I’m your hyung. You tell me if you need anything okay?”

“Y-yes, thank you!” Daehyun answers, feeling warm when the elder boy’s hand fits around his.

The camera leave minutes later after a short word with Himchan and when he turns around his gaze meets Daehyun’s once more. He should say more Daehyun thinks, thank Himchan again for welcoming him so warmly even as a last minute addition and promise to work hard to make up for it.

Daehyun smiles softly, about to do just that, before Himchan gives him one long look, his eyes sharpening into a glare and flitting away with a scoff, heading towards the maknaes without a backwards glance.

 

*          *          *

 

He doesn’t sleep well that night or any of the nights after. He’d met the final two members and they had been nice enough but nothing could sooth the sting of Himchan’s false kindness. He feels like they’re watching every move as he slips into bed and he doesn’t know if that would make him feel worse than the reality of their turned backs. They’re just tired, he knows, and at least for most of them, it isn’t meant to be a slight. It’s no matter, he thinks to himself, curling up into a ball under the extra blankets he’d brought. He’ll just have to work harder. He resists the urge to hold on to his stuffed bear, instead squeezing its paw gently before hiding his face in his pillow. He’d been pretty successful at hiding his tears, letting them soak his pillow case and rising early enough that no one saw him before a good scrub and some time for the puffiness to go down.

Somehow he feels the need for Himchan’s approval more intensely than the others. He’d have understood Youngjae disliking him, or the maknaes being less than enthused about a new hyung. Even Yongguk being annoyed at the prospect of the issues the line-up shuffle might bring about, as their leader. Himchan though, what did he have to worry about with him? Himchan is more handsome than any boy Daehyun had ever met and carries himself with the kind of class few people his age can legitimately pull off. Of all the members, Daehyun had been most curious about him, a classical musician who’d left university for this wild dream. He remembers the brief moment they’d shaken hands, the weight of Himchan’s palm reliable and soft. He had expected to feel like rough cut stone next to him and he did, but he’d hoped Himchan would take him under his wing and take care of him the way he longs for after leaving home.

He is sitting at the kitchen table after nearly two weeks of this with a mug of camomile in his tense hands when the leader comes in.

“Did you eat yet, Daehyun?” he asks in his gravelly drawl.

Yongguk is good to him, always making sure he’s eating and resting and that he knows what’s happening. Yongguk isn’t always around though, and as the leader is often called away for things while the rest of them continue to practice or take short breaks. He spends much of his time in the studio as well, trying to learn more about producing an album. Daehyun will sit slightly off to the side when that happens, while Himchan holds court with the others. Sometimes one of them will look over at him before their attention is snapped back towards the visual, who continues to ignore him.

The other day, he’d heard Himchan snickering to Youngjae about him, about how he follows Yongguk around like a lost duckling and isn’t that just embarrassing? He hadn’t stuck around to hear Youngjae’s response but the younger three don’t seem to mind him so much, even if they follow Himchan’s lead while the elder is around. Sometimes Youngjae will look at him with an odd expression and he can’t tell if it’s thoughtful or if he really is upset that Daehyun’s going to be their main vocal now. He wouldn’t blame him. 

“Are you okay, Daehyunnie?” Yongguk asks and Daehyun realizes he hadn’t responded to the elder’s earlier question.

He nods, perhaps too aggressively in his haste to assure the leader. Yongguk has enough on his plate, he doesn’t need Daehyun to add to it.

“I’m fine, just a little homesick maybe, but I’ll get over it, hyung.”

The leader looks at him for a moment longer before nodding, too tired to push him perhaps.

“Okay. Go to bed earlier tonight, I always see you sneaking in last,” he says, delivering a light pat to Daehyun’s bottom when he stands, “we’re up early tomorrow. Again.”

Daehyun smiles in spite of himself and heads to their cramped room to change out of his sleep clothes and prepare for the day. Today is a new morning and like his father had told him before he left, he needs to take it day by day. He doesn’t pay attention to the content of the whispers and hushed chatter that he hears when he walks in but he does notice when they abruptly stop.

 

*          *          *

 

It’s after practice one day that it all comes to a head.

He’s not great at dancing; he can keep a rhythm but he’s never done such complex sequences before and while singing. He’s still out of breath half the time, though he notes with some pleasure he isn’t the only one. He gets a bit of a scolding from the instructor that night. Yongguk pats his shoulder and tells him they all have to work harder, he’s not being singled out, but with Himchan’s smirk and the way he snickers under his breath as he packs his bag, he sure feels like he is.

He puts in his ear phones as soon as he’s in the van, turning on a soothing ballad he loves. He remembers singing it in his room, his parents at work and his brother still at school so his voice was free to soar as high as he wished it. No pressure, no choreography. No band mates who he’s sure would rather he be gone. No hyung who seems to hate him and a tiny bedroom where he’s sure to feel it.

No audience either. No cheers, no one listening, no one _hearing_ him. What is a sound that no one can hear, he wonders. He’d wanted this, he still does; this opportunity to shine. He’d always thought about being a soloist but he’d warmed to the thought of a group as he’d prepared for the move. Of having five friends to share the joys and burdens with, of never being alone on stage.

He hadn’t expected this and perhaps he was naïve not to. They weren’t all children in a sandbox and even that had its challenges. They were competing in a world where only the best survive and things were almost harder if you did.

How can he make the fans love him though, if his own band mates don’t?

When the van pulls up to the apartment he climbs out hastily and makes his way inside. Yongguk unlocks the door and they pile in, toeing off shoes and stretching out limbs. Daehyun feels someone tug his ear bud out and turns around to see Himchan frowning at him.  

“What’s with you?”

Daehyun shakes his head, winding the cord and shoving it in his pocket, “Nothing.”

Himchan makes a face and he can’t tell if it’s a sneer or some other expression of derision.

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Really. Look, hyung, sorry, I just. I need some air.”

He rushes back out the door and to the end of the hallway, climbing the stairs to the rooftop. The door clangs open and he sits against the wall a short way down, breathing deep. He cups his face in his hands and takes measured breathes but the pressure has been building for a while and he lets out his cries the way he can’t in that small bedroom.

The roof door bangs open again not a minute later and Daehyun doesn’t have time to wipe away the wetness on his face before someone is stomping towards him.

“Okay, listen kid-” Himchan’s voice starts.

He can’t hold back the tiny sniffle and whimper that escapes him at the harshness with which Himchan speaks and he covers his mouth as more sobs threaten to escape, too. The visual stops talking, walking closer and peering at him closely.

“Oh, shit...” Himchan curses.

It only makes the tears come faster

“Daehyun?”

He sees the shadow of Himchan’s legs moves towards him, slowly. He keeps his eyes on the ground, though. He can’t stand the thought of Himchan seeing more of him at the moment. Himchan’s knees bend and then the visual is crouching in front of him, hands prying at his.

“Daehyun, look- I’m…please don’t cry?”

Himchan sounds desperate, almost shocked, and half of Daehyun wants to cry more just to spite him. He wipes at his eyes furiously instead and takes hiccuping breaths before speaking.

“I don’t know what I did…”

He chances a look up and Himchan’s brow is furrowed in confusion.

“I don’t know what I did,” he says again, feeling small, “to make you hate me. I just wanted you all to like me. And you won’t tell me. No one will, no one even _talks_ to me really and I can’t- I can’t help it if I don’t know, so what was it, hyung? I’m sorry…”

Himchan’s hands drop from where they’d settled on Daehyun’s knees and he falls back to sit across from him. Looking at his hands, he begins speaking softer than Daehyun has ever heard him.

“I don’t know. I thought…at first you were this guy stealing Youngjae’s place and- I don’t know okay? You just showed up. After we’d been here years and you just come out of nowhere! After that you just- I thought you were being stuck up, you never talked to the kids and- it was dumb. I was being dumb.”

Himchan hesitates for a bit before sitting up on his knees and holding the smaller boy’s hands, thumbs soothing over Daehyun’s skin.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m a jerk. I give you permission to call me a jerk.”

Daehyun sniffles again and Himchan tugs him forward into a hug. Daehyun’s face buries against his shoulder and Himchan makes out the mumbled sound of the words “horrible jerk” spoken into his coat as he pets the younger’s hair. It’s soft and smells faintly sweet even under the sweat from practice. Himchan thinks about how Daehyun is barely older than Youngjae and not much older than the maknaes. How he’s been away from anyone he knows and thrust into a world hardly anyone is prepared for. He really has been a horrible jerk.

“Don’t cry, okay?” he murmurs into the smaller boy’s crown, “It does nothing for your cute face.”

Daehyun lifts his head and brushes roughly at his face with a sleeve, leaving his cheeks a ruddy red and his eyes still shining.

“Cute?”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t act surprised future idol. You’re clothes still suck though. I should take you shopping.”

Daehyun beams up at him and Himchan melts, just a tad.

“I would like to. Spend time with hyung, I mean.”

Himchan smiles back. It’s hard not to respond to the kitten-like look on Daehyun’s face. He might be in trouble.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that too. I should get to know you before I decide I hate you, right?” he laughs before pausing at the look on Daehyun’s face, “Kidding!”

He sits beside the vocalist, pressed close enough that they can feel each other’s heat while Daehyun's breaths even out.

“Hey, tomorrow…we’ll have a talk with the others. I think we should clear the air. You deserved a better start than that. I know this is probably your first time away from home and everything. I’m sorry for fucking it all up.”

Daehyun nods, “Maybe I should have spoken up more…I didn’t mean to come off snobbish.”

Himchan squeezes his shoulder then, “Well from now on, you can speak up with me whenever you’d like.”

When Daehyun smiles again, Himchan is sure he can see the sunshine trapped in it and spends the next minute scolding himself for the utter cheesiness of this thoughts.

“Thank you, hyung. I might take you up on that.”

**Author's Note:**

> And he continues to speak up much to Himchan's regret.
> 
> The prompt was about Himchan talking about how Dae cried in front of him on the roof and the mysterious reasons why that might have happened. After the story Dae told about he and Himchan's first meeting on ASC, I couldn't resist adding that. Thanks for reading!


End file.
